Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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