Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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