He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
you inspire me to be a worse person
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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