im holly from the hills drunk
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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