Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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