I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
