I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
