I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
party gras won. party gras always wins.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
