I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
