lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
