He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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