i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
