Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
