come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
