I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
