i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
