I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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