Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
