If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
