Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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