Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She bit a glass in half.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
