Ketchup is God's man juice
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
