If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
