Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
