I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
