i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
