Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Terrible idea I love it
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
