he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
