Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
