I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My feet surprised me
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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