but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
