Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
