just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
