Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm having to shit out rocks
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