i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i think i just lost a toe
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
