I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
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