nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
