I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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