just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
