I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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