sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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