the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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