These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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