he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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