i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
