Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
