yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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