im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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