You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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