So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
