I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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